Remember how I started a dad blog and was naive enough to think I had enough time to physically sit down, open my computer, and type things? LOL. That did not go according to plan, but here we are 5 months later and things are beginning to normalize.
I am off for the next two weeks for IPS Fall Break, one glorious benefit of a balanced schedule. But I am sending the baby to daycare for this week so she doesn't get out of the habit/I already paid for it. That means I have 6 hours a day to myself this week to do whatever the hell I please. I confess I am at a loss for how to spend this time. Maybe I'll sit down and read something. Maybe I'll take a bike ride. Maybe I'll take a guilt-free trip to Skyline Chili.
One thing I will make time for is an actual dad blog to talk about dad things. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Waiting
While we've been waiting, we've done every chore imaginable to get the house ready. We're saving some Netflix shows for the hospital and for the days and weeks to come. To relieve some stress, I've taken up coloring. My friends Amy and David got me a President Coloring Book for Christmas and I've just now gotten around to using it. At first, I started coloring the presidents in a way that lends respect to the office, but then I started to notice that the illustrations allowed for some fun artistic interpretation. So I will share one that I finished tonight:
This is William Henry Harrison. He was president for something like 31 days. Why, you ask? Well, Ol' Tippecanoe was a bit long-winded. He gave his inaugural address on a very cold day, without a coat no less. Instead of wrapping it up and heading to the ball, Harrison droned on and on for about two hours, caught pneumonia and died a few weeks later. What a dumbass, right? Every time I told that story to students, they'd ask, "Why didn't he just wear a heavy coat?" I''ve always wondered the same thing myself. Well, wonder no longer.
As the picture below suggests, Harrison loved his slip-on coat/cape. He felt like a new person in that coat. When he wore that coat, he approached life with a new confidence. The only problem--the pink candy stripe lining made him a bit self-conscious. We might laugh today, but this was 1841, guys. John Tyler said there's no way in hell he's going to be on the ticket with someone who dresses like that. The rest is history.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Make Fatherhood Great Again
I've heard lots of people tell me I have "no idea" what I'm doing when it comes to fatherhood. Look, not true, ok? Ok? Nobody knows more about fatherhood than I do. Nobody. Who knows more than me? I have a father. A great father, by the way. Taught me a lot. I even have a step father. Not a lot of people have those, ok? So I know what I'm doing.
I've read books. Large books about parenting. Small books. Every kind of book you can think of. I've even read books you haven't thought of. I've listened to a tremendous number of podcasts. Very, very good podcasts. That I can tell you.
I've taken expensive classes about how to parent. Probably more expensive than what other dads have done. I've learned a tremendous amount during those very interesting classes. Those classes were about every topic I need to know, believe me.
I've personally hired a doula, ok? So I've created a job and a child in the span of nine months. I'm told that this is a great accomplishment. I don't say this in a braggadocious way. Just stating a fact.
I'll be a very great father. I have lots and lots of ideas. There are some very good fathers out there but a lot of weak fathers, too. Fathers don't win anymore, have you noticed this? Kids get whatever they want. Dads don't know how to make deals anymore. They get totally hosed by their kids. That won't happen with me, that I can tell you. We're going to have a fence in the backyard, and the kid is going to build it. Work ethic. Boundaries.
Seriously who will be a better father than me?
Danny Tanner? Can't tolerate germs. Had to bring in a comedian and a musician to raise his kids. Sad!
Ward Cleaver? Weak on discipline. His kid is always getting in trouble. Also named his youngest after a small woodland creature. Might be child abuse--My people are looking into it.
Atticus Finch? Loser attorney whose kids don't even call him Dad! Wouldn't happen with me, I promise you that. Very low energy dad.
So I will be great. Fatherhood needs to be great again, and that's what I will do. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've read books. Large books about parenting. Small books. Every kind of book you can think of. I've even read books you haven't thought of. I've listened to a tremendous number of podcasts. Very, very good podcasts. That I can tell you.
I've taken expensive classes about how to parent. Probably more expensive than what other dads have done. I've learned a tremendous amount during those very interesting classes. Those classes were about every topic I need to know, believe me.
I've personally hired a doula, ok? So I've created a job and a child in the span of nine months. I'm told that this is a great accomplishment. I don't say this in a braggadocious way. Just stating a fact.
I'll be a very great father. I have lots and lots of ideas. There are some very good fathers out there but a lot of weak fathers, too. Fathers don't win anymore, have you noticed this? Kids get whatever they want. Dads don't know how to make deals anymore. They get totally hosed by their kids. That won't happen with me, that I can tell you. We're going to have a fence in the backyard, and the kid is going to build it. Work ethic. Boundaries.
Seriously who will be a better father than me?
Danny Tanner? Can't tolerate germs. Had to bring in a comedian and a musician to raise his kids. Sad!
Ward Cleaver? Weak on discipline. His kid is always getting in trouble. Also named his youngest after a small woodland creature. Might be child abuse--My people are looking into it.
Atticus Finch? Loser attorney whose kids don't even call him Dad! Wouldn't happen with me, I promise you that. Very low energy dad.
So I will be great. Fatherhood needs to be great again, and that's what I will do. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Panic Attack #1: This is happening
Current Emotions: Pumped, panicked
As we roll into month number 9, things are starting to get real. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't woken up in a cold sweat about the responsibility we're undertaking. "What makes me think I'm worthy of being responsible for feeding, clothing, and raising a small human being?" " What were we thinking?" "What if I'm terrible at parenting and am prosecuted and thrown in prison?" "What if the kid turns into an asshole?" Please tell me these are normal thoughts.
We've had two awesome baby showers over the past month, and now things are really really real. We have some semblance of a nursery coming together. We baby clothes scattered throughout the house. There is an empty pack n' play next to our bed. It's very strange to consider that soon a human baby will occupy the space.
I'm trying to go into this not being naive as to how much my life is going to change. I'm trying to savor my last child-free month, but also trying to break old habits that will make life with a newborn next to impossible. For example, Chelsea tells me I can no longer leave nails and loose Excedrin laying around the house. I can no longer roll out of bed 10 minutes before I have to leave. Right now I can (and do) basically sleep as late as I want, sit out on the patio and drink a beer, binge on Netflix, sit down when I eat, take a 40 minute shower, travel, read, watch sports, go to sporting events, go out with friends, etc. Make no mistake, I'm excited as hell to be a parent and can't wait to experience life with the baby. But I'd be lying if I said I'm going to miss being able to do all those things when I want.
So with a small Benham arriving within the next month (or less) (or more), here is what I'm trying to accomplish:
-Finish nursery. If they say "nesting" only affects women, then what explains my very real desire to have every detail of the nursery done with time to spare? We still need to put together a changing table, hang things on wall, get bookshelf, clean, etc. (ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod)
-Get caught up on every television show I haven't finished: Better Call Saul, Love, House of Cards, The People vs OJ Simpson, Baskets, Fargo, Togetherness, Vinyl, Louie, The Walking Dead, Silicon Valley
-Develop parenting philosophy
-Figure out how to deal with a newborn
-Read every Mister Rogers parenting book
-Watch sports guilt-free. Lots of basketball coming up in the next few weeks, lots of baseball too.
-De-clutter basement- This is an unexplainable nesting thing.
Any other tips from the parenting force?
As we roll into month number 9, things are starting to get real. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't woken up in a cold sweat about the responsibility we're undertaking. "What makes me think I'm worthy of being responsible for feeding, clothing, and raising a small human being?" " What were we thinking?" "What if I'm terrible at parenting and am prosecuted and thrown in prison?" "What if the kid turns into an asshole?" Please tell me these are normal thoughts.
We've had two awesome baby showers over the past month, and now things are really really real. We have some semblance of a nursery coming together. We baby clothes scattered throughout the house. There is an empty pack n' play next to our bed. It's very strange to consider that soon a human baby will occupy the space.
I'm trying to go into this not being naive as to how much my life is going to change. I'm trying to savor my last child-free month, but also trying to break old habits that will make life with a newborn next to impossible. For example, Chelsea tells me I can no longer leave nails and loose Excedrin laying around the house. I can no longer roll out of bed 10 minutes before I have to leave. Right now I can (and do) basically sleep as late as I want, sit out on the patio and drink a beer, binge on Netflix, sit down when I eat, take a 40 minute shower, travel, read, watch sports, go to sporting events, go out with friends, etc. Make no mistake, I'm excited as hell to be a parent and can't wait to experience life with the baby. But I'd be lying if I said I'm going to miss being able to do all those things when I want.
So with a small Benham arriving within the next month (or less) (or more), here is what I'm trying to accomplish:
-Finish nursery. If they say "nesting" only affects women, then what explains my very real desire to have every detail of the nursery done with time to spare? We still need to put together a changing table, hang things on wall, get bookshelf, clean, etc. (ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod)
-Get caught up on every television show I haven't finished: Better Call Saul, Love, House of Cards, The People vs OJ Simpson, Baskets, Fargo, Togetherness, Vinyl, Louie, The Walking Dead, Silicon Valley
-Develop parenting philosophy
-Figure out how to deal with a newborn
-Read every Mister Rogers parenting book
-Watch sports guilt-free. Lots of basketball coming up in the next few weeks, lots of baseball too.
-De-clutter basement- This is an unexplainable nesting thing.
Any other tips from the parenting force?
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Catchin' up
Here we go again. Just a shade under a year since this thing has been updated. I'll save you the oft-repeated promises to update this thing regularly and just say I have intentions to not let this thing gather dust over the next year. You'll have to pardon me, but the past year has been pretty busy, what with the whole moving, changing jobs, preparing for a child thing. Hopefully none of those things are a surprise to my readers--I'm assuming you are already a facebook follower, but sometimes things get lost in translation with the status updates and picture posts. Here are some highlights over the past year ICYMI:
Moved: With Chelsea's graduation from seminary we found ourselves on the move again, from Louisville to Indianapolis. We will be here until at least August 2017, possibly longer, due to Chelsea's fellowship program with Second Presbyterian Church. She is now an ordained teaching elder (pastor) with the PCUSA denomination. We hope she will be able to find a church in the area once the fellowship is over, but we are prepared to pack up and move again soon.
Moving from a seminary campus to a new city is a tough transition since we had a pretty good community of friends. We won't miss cinder block walls though.'
New Job: I'm no longer classroom teaching. In June, due to our move, I left my job at Eastern after 3 years. I also stepped down as the Mock Trial coach. It was a great school community and I was able to teach a lot of stellar students, but due to the relatively affluent student population, I didn't always feel like I was making a huge impact. My new job is as perfect a fit as any job I've had to this point. I am at a turnaround high school in downtown Indy, where I am the Graduation Coach. I work with an at-risk population to try to raise the graduation rate. It has its challenges but on a day-to-day basis I get to interact with so many people and contribute to the community. The demographics/socioeconomics of the student body are quite different than in Louisville, and I'm really enjoying the diversity of the staff, students and families.
Child on the way: Fatherhood awaits in April. A week after we moved to Indy, we found out we were pregnant. So pretty much from the get-go, we've been getting ready. We are not finding out the gender for several reasons I might get to in a future post, but we have a few prospective names picked out. Needless to say, this is the biggest life change, but on top of the others, this has been an overwhelming season of life.
This is primarily the reason I'm raising this blog from the dead. Turning a sparsely updated sports/entertainment blog into a Dad blog is no small task. I hope to share experiences of being a new father. ("Oh, how exciting. That's never been done before," you might say**.) I assure you it's more for my sake than for your enjoyment. But as most of my readership is already a parent, feel free to laugh at the dumb mistakes I will almost assuredly make, general naivety of new parenthood, and blissful ignorance I will no doubt display. I have acquired the Mister Roger's Parenting Resource, so I will, from time to time, share pearls of wisdom from America's favorite Neighbor. Stay tuned, friends.
**Shut up
Moved: With Chelsea's graduation from seminary we found ourselves on the move again, from Louisville to Indianapolis. We will be here until at least August 2017, possibly longer, due to Chelsea's fellowship program with Second Presbyterian Church. She is now an ordained teaching elder (pastor) with the PCUSA denomination. We hope she will be able to find a church in the area once the fellowship is over, but we are prepared to pack up and move again soon.
Moving from a seminary campus to a new city is a tough transition since we had a pretty good community of friends. We won't miss cinder block walls though.'
New Job: I'm no longer classroom teaching. In June, due to our move, I left my job at Eastern after 3 years. I also stepped down as the Mock Trial coach. It was a great school community and I was able to teach a lot of stellar students, but due to the relatively affluent student population, I didn't always feel like I was making a huge impact. My new job is as perfect a fit as any job I've had to this point. I am at a turnaround high school in downtown Indy, where I am the Graduation Coach. I work with an at-risk population to try to raise the graduation rate. It has its challenges but on a day-to-day basis I get to interact with so many people and contribute to the community. The demographics/socioeconomics of the student body are quite different than in Louisville, and I'm really enjoying the diversity of the staff, students and families.
Child on the way: Fatherhood awaits in April. A week after we moved to Indy, we found out we were pregnant. So pretty much from the get-go, we've been getting ready. We are not finding out the gender for several reasons I might get to in a future post, but we have a few prospective names picked out. Needless to say, this is the biggest life change, but on top of the others, this has been an overwhelming season of life.
This is primarily the reason I'm raising this blog from the dead. Turning a sparsely updated sports/entertainment blog into a Dad blog is no small task. I hope to share experiences of being a new father. ("Oh, how exciting. That's never been done before," you might say**.) I assure you it's more for my sake than for your enjoyment. But as most of my readership is already a parent, feel free to laugh at the dumb mistakes I will almost assuredly make, general naivety of new parenthood, and blissful ignorance I will no doubt display. I have acquired the Mister Roger's Parenting Resource, so I will, from time to time, share pearls of wisdom from America's favorite Neighbor. Stay tuned, friends.
 |
| Who says kids don't come with an instruction manual? |
**Shut up
Sunday, February 15, 2015
25 Best SNL Cast Members
I consider myself an SNL connoisseur. I have seen snippets from every season and every episode since the Clinton administration. Part of that is thanks to hulu, and the other part is thanks to my lack of cool during adolescence. Because of that and because tonight is the SNL 40th anniversary show, I figured I'd give my two cents about cast member rankings. Rolling Stone and Paste unveiled their lists this week and I couldn't help but disagree on a few points. My criteria is probably different than their's. I don't care what they did before or after the show, my rankings are for the way they performed on the show. I'm looking mostly at sketch performers here, although I do give some nods to those that only appeared on Weekend Update or in shorts. To be considered, the person had to be a full time cast member for more than 1 season.
I'm judging based on writing ability, delivery, timing, charisma, characters (deductions for annoying characters), and the overall laugh factor. Without ado:
25. Taran Killam
His=stock is rising. He breaks the top 25 simply for Jebidiah Atkinson, the newspaper critic who pans Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The most consistently funny male on the show in the last decade.
24 Chris Parnell
I always though Parnell was underrated because he always ended up playing the dad or the husband. A wonderful impressionist and actually had a comedic range many people never saw.
23. Adam Sandler
Lots of people hated Sandler on SNL. I have to admit, for the most part I do too, but he also had a certain charisma about him that, even if the sketch was annoying, you knew it wouldn't be boring. The Herlihy Boy was one of my favorites.
22. Molly Shannon
She would be up here with or without Mary Katherine Gallagher. She was born for sketch comedy.
21. Chris Rock
Way under-utlized but always made the most of the time he was given.
20. Seth Meyers
Was never really in sketches, but did a solid job on Update for several years. Head writer during a particularly successful stretch.
19. Dana Carvey
Certainly in the discussion as SNL's best impressionist. Several good recurring characters as well.
18. Darrell Hammond
Just had a nondescript face that allowed him to be anyone he wanted. Was absolutely dedicated to impressions and was just a master at it.
17. Mike Myers
One of the more versatile performers in SNL history. Did well with impressions, but was really legendary at developing a character.
16. Jane Curtin
Played the straight woman as well as anyone has ,but her jokes on Update were subversive for their time. Had a classic dead pan style.
15. Kate Mckinnon
I have no doubts she is capable of cracking the top ten when her career is over. A brilliant writer and performer, she masters facial expressions, accents, and tics. Her Angela Merkle is wonderful, and can also pull out Justin Beiber if necessary.
14. Will Forte
Just a weird dude. Very misunderstood and very brilliant.
13. Phil Hartman
Never saw Hartman bomb in a sketch. Just so reliable and had wonderful timing. Made everyone else in the sketch better too.
12. Tina Fey
Revolutionized Update and as head writer led the charge to give women a more distinct voice on the show. Was never in sketches, but could do impressions, i.e. the wonderful Sarah Palin that made her career.
11. Amy Poehler
Poehler could do it all. Had great delivery but was also a brilliant physical comedian. Had several good recurring characters and was great on Update. An SNL all-star.
10. Chevy Chase
Only on the show for just short of 2 seasons, but basically set the tone of the show. A brilliant physical comedian. His smug delivery of the news has been copied over and over. He was also in several sketches during the first season. It's no wonder he burnt out.
9. John Belushi
Most nights was coked out of his mind, but was still gifted in numerous ways: physicality, timing, and presence. Without Belushi, the show would look much different than it does today.
8. Bill Hader
A legend. Brilliant writer and sketch performer. But was also arguable the greatest impressionist in the show's 40 year history. Also had the greatest facial expressions on the show.
7. Gilda Radner
Fearless and versatile. Could play cute, silly, deadpan, or whatever the need was. Just a lovely personality that the camera loved.
6. Kristen Wiig
If not for a couple recurring characters that were run into the ground (looking at you Gilly and Target Lady,) she may have cracked the top five. The first female to truly carry the show, she was a comedic genius at creating characters, impressions, and taking sketches into bizarre territory. Sure, she was overused, but that's only because she was clearly talented and could make a simple idea very funny.
5. Dan Aykroyd
Brilliant. Brand of comedy was made for the show.
4. Chris Farley
I question any list that doesn't have Chris Farley in the top ten. I understand criticizing the era of SNL he was on. There was a lot of low-brow humor and Farley participated in that. He relied heavily on his weight, so to speak. But most of sketches were not low brow or about him dancing in a Chippendale's suit, they were just really funny and consumed by his boundless energy. If Farley didn't make you laugh, what is wrong with you?
3. Eddie Murphy
Several people claim Eddie Murphy saved SNL. He did. 80-81 was the worst season the show has ever seen and it would have rightfully been cancelled had Eddie Murphy not emerged and created his own fame. He belongs on the Rushmore of sketch comedy.
2. Bill Murray
Murray just has the right kind of personality for SNL. He could save any sketch, and virtually every character he had was a hit. No one truly understood his comedic aptitude until after he was gone, but looking back it should be readily apparent.
1. Will Ferrell
Again, you could look at any SNL castmember and say they were overused or ran a character into the ground. Did Ferrell do that? Absolutely. But the list of impressions and recurring characters that reached mainstream knowledge is astounding. That doesn't even take into consideration the multiple ways Ferrell could get a laugh in a sketch. It could be a facial expression, a bizarre line, or a physical stunt, all of which he was the best of his craft at.
Honorable Mention: Ana Gastayer, Cecily Strong, Andy Samberg
I'm judging based on writing ability, delivery, timing, charisma, characters (deductions for annoying characters), and the overall laugh factor. Without ado:
25. Taran Killam
His=stock is rising. He breaks the top 25 simply for Jebidiah Atkinson, the newspaper critic who pans Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The most consistently funny male on the show in the last decade.
24 Chris Parnell
I always though Parnell was underrated because he always ended up playing the dad or the husband. A wonderful impressionist and actually had a comedic range many people never saw.
23. Adam Sandler
Lots of people hated Sandler on SNL. I have to admit, for the most part I do too, but he also had a certain charisma about him that, even if the sketch was annoying, you knew it wouldn't be boring. The Herlihy Boy was one of my favorites.
22. Molly Shannon
She would be up here with or without Mary Katherine Gallagher. She was born for sketch comedy.
21. Chris Rock
Way under-utlized but always made the most of the time he was given.
20. Seth Meyers
Was never really in sketches, but did a solid job on Update for several years. Head writer during a particularly successful stretch.
19. Dana Carvey
Certainly in the discussion as SNL's best impressionist. Several good recurring characters as well.
18. Darrell Hammond
Just had a nondescript face that allowed him to be anyone he wanted. Was absolutely dedicated to impressions and was just a master at it.
17. Mike Myers
One of the more versatile performers in SNL history. Did well with impressions, but was really legendary at developing a character.
16. Jane Curtin
Played the straight woman as well as anyone has ,but her jokes on Update were subversive for their time. Had a classic dead pan style.
15. Kate Mckinnon
I have no doubts she is capable of cracking the top ten when her career is over. A brilliant writer and performer, she masters facial expressions, accents, and tics. Her Angela Merkle is wonderful, and can also pull out Justin Beiber if necessary.
14. Will Forte
Just a weird dude. Very misunderstood and very brilliant.
13. Phil Hartman
Never saw Hartman bomb in a sketch. Just so reliable and had wonderful timing. Made everyone else in the sketch better too.
12. Tina Fey
Revolutionized Update and as head writer led the charge to give women a more distinct voice on the show. Was never in sketches, but could do impressions, i.e. the wonderful Sarah Palin that made her career.
11. Amy Poehler
Poehler could do it all. Had great delivery but was also a brilliant physical comedian. Had several good recurring characters and was great on Update. An SNL all-star.
10. Chevy Chase
Only on the show for just short of 2 seasons, but basically set the tone of the show. A brilliant physical comedian. His smug delivery of the news has been copied over and over. He was also in several sketches during the first season. It's no wonder he burnt out.
9. John Belushi
Most nights was coked out of his mind, but was still gifted in numerous ways: physicality, timing, and presence. Without Belushi, the show would look much different than it does today.
8. Bill Hader
A legend. Brilliant writer and sketch performer. But was also arguable the greatest impressionist in the show's 40 year history. Also had the greatest facial expressions on the show.
7. Gilda Radner
Fearless and versatile. Could play cute, silly, deadpan, or whatever the need was. Just a lovely personality that the camera loved.
6. Kristen Wiig
If not for a couple recurring characters that were run into the ground (looking at you Gilly and Target Lady,) she may have cracked the top five. The first female to truly carry the show, she was a comedic genius at creating characters, impressions, and taking sketches into bizarre territory. Sure, she was overused, but that's only because she was clearly talented and could make a simple idea very funny.
5. Dan Aykroyd
Brilliant. Brand of comedy was made for the show.
4. Chris Farley
I question any list that doesn't have Chris Farley in the top ten. I understand criticizing the era of SNL he was on. There was a lot of low-brow humor and Farley participated in that. He relied heavily on his weight, so to speak. But most of sketches were not low brow or about him dancing in a Chippendale's suit, they were just really funny and consumed by his boundless energy. If Farley didn't make you laugh, what is wrong with you?
3. Eddie Murphy
Several people claim Eddie Murphy saved SNL. He did. 80-81 was the worst season the show has ever seen and it would have rightfully been cancelled had Eddie Murphy not emerged and created his own fame. He belongs on the Rushmore of sketch comedy.
2. Bill Murray
Murray just has the right kind of personality for SNL. He could save any sketch, and virtually every character he had was a hit. No one truly understood his comedic aptitude until after he was gone, but looking back it should be readily apparent.
1. Will Ferrell
Again, you could look at any SNL castmember and say they were overused or ran a character into the ground. Did Ferrell do that? Absolutely. But the list of impressions and recurring characters that reached mainstream knowledge is astounding. That doesn't even take into consideration the multiple ways Ferrell could get a laugh in a sketch. It could be a facial expression, a bizarre line, or a physical stunt, all of which he was the best of his craft at.
Honorable Mention: Ana Gastayer, Cecily Strong, Andy Samberg
5 Fictional Seinfeld Movies That Could Be Summer Blockbusters
One of my favorite aspects of Seinfeld is the deep reservoir of fictional movies throughout the show's 9 seasons. Some of these, I admit, sound atrocious. But isn't that one of the hallmarks of a summer blockbuster? If you give me the synopsis from each of the following movies from Seinfeld and an unlimited budget, I'm confident I could earn a profit. Here are five I would make:
1.Flaming Globes of Sigmund
What we know about it: It is a sci-fi film Jerry falls asleep to.. Larry David plays a maniacal space man who exclaims that the planets of solar system are on fire, just as Sigmund prophesized. We do not know who this Sigmund character is.
How I'd make it: The plot would include a maniac terrorist in the year 2450. He has discovered technology that will ignite the atmospheres of all of the planets unless he is paid a hefty sum. He believes he is fulfilling the prophetic writings of an ancient prophet, Sigmund. Michael Shannon stars as the terrorist and---wait for it--Morgan Freeman as the stoic leader of the UN. The terrorist is successful in incinerating Mercury and Venus, but runs into trouble when a clever scientist looking for redemption (Jeff Goldblum) foils his plan by diverting the terrorist's machine into the sun.
2. Sack Lunch
What we know about it: We know that Elaine would prefer to see it over The English Patient, because it looks fun and you don't have to think. We also know that there is ridiculous movie poster (below) that insinuates that a family is either shrunken to fit inside a sack lunch, or they are a normal-sized family in a large paper sack.
How I'd make it: I feel as though the sack lunch on the poster is metaphorical, not literal. This would be a "family" "comedy" about a family who's lost the ability to communicate (damn cell phones!) Dad (Kevin James) and Mom (Jennifer Aniston) take their children on a sack lunch picnic into the wilderness to reconnect with one another. Though their children initially hate the idea (No cell phone reception!)( Lame!), they experience a problem (lost in the wilderness!) and come together as a family to get home.
3.Cry, Cry Again
What we know about it: A movie Jerry was forced to bootleg, it is described only as "artsy." We also know that it was set in Paris and that one scene involving the main character buying a loaf of bread actually symbolizes him buying back a loaf of his soul. Also, the movie ends with a mysterious woman dancing alone.
How I'd make it: This would be a film worthy of Oscar nominations, but would not have a discernible plot. A man (Adrian Brody) would roam the streets of Paris in a suicidal stupor after losing his job. He meets strangers along the way that bring him out of it, but he is haunted by visions of a mysterious dancing woman (Selma Hayek)
4. Mountain High
What we know about it: "There's no higher place than Mountain High" is the tagline to this film that Kramer previews during his stint as a Movie Phone operator.We only have one line of dialogue to work with:("You've got to get me over that mountain!" *Screaming) We also know that it stars Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon.
How I'd make it: A recently divorced father (Kevin Bacon) decides to take a skiing trip to Aspen, where he happens upon a conveniently single and saucy redhead (Susan Sarandon.) The two hit it off on the slopes until a jealous, jilted lover (Gregory Kinnear) from the woman's past shows up for revenge.
5. Chunnel
What we know about it: The tagline is "32 miles of hell" and it involves the president's daughter being kidnapped and possibly used as ransom. We also know there is an explosion that prompts one on-looker to exclaim, "Everybody out of Chunnel!"
How I'd make it: This would be the blockbuster action/psychological thriller of the summer. George Clooney would play the cerebral, low-approval president who must regrettably make a deal with Austrian narco-terrorist Christoph Waltz, who has kidnapped his sassy daughter (Jennifer Lawrence.) Oh, and the terrorist is also threatening to blow up the Chunnel, which requires the president to work in concert with the prime minister, Benedict Cumberbatch.
1.Flaming Globes of Sigmund
What we know about it: It is a sci-fi film Jerry falls asleep to.. Larry David plays a maniacal space man who exclaims that the planets of solar system are on fire, just as Sigmund prophesized. We do not know who this Sigmund character is.
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| Like flaming globes, Sigmund! Like flaming globes! |
How I'd make it: The plot would include a maniac terrorist in the year 2450. He has discovered technology that will ignite the atmospheres of all of the planets unless he is paid a hefty sum. He believes he is fulfilling the prophetic writings of an ancient prophet, Sigmund. Michael Shannon stars as the terrorist and---wait for it--Morgan Freeman as the stoic leader of the UN. The terrorist is successful in incinerating Mercury and Venus, but runs into trouble when a clever scientist looking for redemption (Jeff Goldblum) foils his plan by diverting the terrorist's machine into the sun.
2. Sack Lunch
What we know about it: We know that Elaine would prefer to see it over The English Patient, because it looks fun and you don't have to think. We also know that there is ridiculous movie poster (below) that insinuates that a family is either shrunken to fit inside a sack lunch, or they are a normal-sized family in a large paper sack.
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| "Don't you wanna know how they got in there?" |
3.Cry, Cry Again
What we know about it: A movie Jerry was forced to bootleg, it is described only as "artsy." We also know that it was set in Paris and that one scene involving the main character buying a loaf of bread actually symbolizes him buying back a loaf of his soul. Also, the movie ends with a mysterious woman dancing alone.
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| "You cry, then you see the dancing, and you cry again." |
How I'd make it: This would be a film worthy of Oscar nominations, but would not have a discernible plot. A man (Adrian Brody) would roam the streets of Paris in a suicidal stupor after losing his job. He meets strangers along the way that bring him out of it, but he is haunted by visions of a mysterious dancing woman (Selma Hayek)
4. Mountain High
What we know about it: "There's no higher place than Mountain High" is the tagline to this film that Kramer previews during his stint as a Movie Phone operator.We only have one line of dialogue to work with:("You've got to get me over that mountain!" *Screaming) We also know that it stars Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon.
5. Chunnel
What we know about it: The tagline is "32 miles of hell" and it involves the president's daughter being kidnapped and possibly used as ransom. We also know there is an explosion that prompts one on-looker to exclaim, "Everybody out of Chunnel!"
How I'd make it: This would be the blockbuster action/psychological thriller of the summer. George Clooney would play the cerebral, low-approval president who must regrettably make a deal with Austrian narco-terrorist Christoph Waltz, who has kidnapped his sassy daughter (Jennifer Lawrence.) Oh, and the terrorist is also threatening to blow up the Chunnel, which requires the president to work in concert with the prime minister, Benedict Cumberbatch.
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