Catchin' up

Here we go again. Just a shade under a year since this thing has been updated. I'll save you the oft-repeated promises to update this thing regularly and just say I have intentions to not let this thing gather dust over the next year. You'll have to pardon me, but the past year has been pretty busy, what with the whole moving, changing jobs, preparing for a child thing. Hopefully none of those things are a surprise to my readers--I'm assuming you are already a facebook follower, but sometimes things get lost in translation with the status updates and picture posts. Here are some highlights over the past year ICYMI:

Moved: With Chelsea's graduation from seminary we found ourselves on the move again, from Louisville to Indianapolis. We will be here until at least August 2017, possibly longer, due to Chelsea's fellowship program with Second Presbyterian Church. She is now an ordained teaching elder (pastor) with the PCUSA denomination. We hope she will be able to find a church in the area once the fellowship is over, but we are prepared to pack up and move again soon.
Moving from a seminary campus to a new city is a tough transition since we had a pretty good community of friends. We won't miss cinder block walls though.'

New Job: I'm no longer classroom teaching. In June, due to our move, I left my job at Eastern after 3 years. I also stepped down as the Mock Trial coach. It was a great school community and I was able to teach a lot of stellar students, but due to the relatively affluent student population, I didn't always feel like I was making a huge impact. My new job is as perfect a fit as any job I've had to this point. I am at a turnaround high school in downtown Indy, where I am the Graduation Coach. I work with an at-risk population to try to raise the graduation rate. It has its challenges but on a day-to-day basis I get to interact with so many people and contribute to the community. The demographics/socioeconomics of the student body are quite different than in Louisville, and I'm really enjoying the diversity of the staff, students and families.

Child on the way: Fatherhood awaits in April. A week after we moved to Indy, we found out we were pregnant. So pretty much from the get-go, we've been getting ready. We are not finding out the gender for several reasons I might get to in a future post, but we have a few prospective names picked out. Needless to say, this is the biggest life change, but on top of the others, this has been an overwhelming season of life.
This is primarily the reason I'm raising this blog from the dead. Turning a sparsely updated sports/entertainment blog into a Dad blog is no small task. I hope to share experiences of being a new father. ("Oh, how exciting. That's never been done before," you might say**.) I assure you it's more for my sake than for your enjoyment. But as most of my readership is already a parent, feel free to laugh at the dumb mistakes I will almost assuredly make, general naivety of new parenthood, and blissful ignorance I will no doubt display. I have acquired the Mister Roger's Parenting Resource, so I will, from time to time, share pearls of wisdom from America's favorite Neighbor. Stay tuned, friends.

Who says kids don't come with an instruction manual?

**Shut up

25 Best SNL Cast Members

I consider myself an SNL connoisseur. I have seen snippets from every season and every episode since the Clinton administration. Part of that is thanks to hulu, and the other part is thanks to my lack of cool during adolescence. Because of that and because tonight is the SNL 40th anniversary show, I figured I'd give my two cents about cast member rankings. Rolling Stone and Paste unveiled their lists this week and I couldn't help but disagree on a few points. My criteria is probably different than their's. I don't care what they did before or after the show, my rankings are for the way they performed on the show. I'm looking mostly at sketch performers here, although I do give some nods to those that only appeared on Weekend Update or in shorts. To be considered, the person had to be a full time cast member for more than 1 season.
I'm judging based on writing ability, delivery, timing, charisma, characters (deductions for annoying characters), and the overall laugh factor. Without ado:
25. Taran Killam
His=stock is rising. He breaks the top 25 simply for Jebidiah Atkinson, the newspaper critic who pans Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The most consistently funny male on the show in the last decade.
24 Chris Parnell
I always though Parnell was underrated because he always ended up playing the dad or the husband. A wonderful impressionist and actually had a comedic range many people never saw.
23. Adam Sandler
Lots of people hated Sandler on SNL. I have to admit, for the most part I do too, but he also had a certain charisma about him that, even if the sketch was annoying, you knew it wouldn't be boring. The Herlihy Boy was one of my favorites.
22. Molly Shannon
She would be up here with or without Mary Katherine Gallagher. She was born for sketch comedy.
21. Chris Rock
Way under-utlized but always made the most of the time he was given.
20. Seth Meyers
Was never really in sketches, but did a solid job on Update for several years. Head writer during a particularly successful stretch.
19. Dana Carvey
Certainly in the discussion as SNL's best impressionist. Several good recurring characters as well.
18. Darrell Hammond
Just had a nondescript face that allowed him to be anyone he wanted. Was absolutely dedicated to impressions and was just a master at it.
17. Mike Myers
One of the more versatile performers in SNL history. Did well with impressions, but was really legendary at developing a character.
16. Jane Curtin
Played the straight woman as well as anyone has ,but her jokes on Update were subversive for their time. Had a classic dead pan style.
15. Kate Mckinnon
I have no doubts she is capable of cracking the top ten when her career is over. A brilliant writer and performer, she masters facial expressions, accents, and tics. Her Angela Merkle is wonderful, and can also pull out Justin Beiber if necessary.
14. Will Forte
Just a weird dude. Very misunderstood and very brilliant.
13. Phil Hartman
Never saw Hartman bomb in a sketch. Just so reliable and had wonderful timing. Made everyone else in the sketch better too.
12. Tina Fey
Revolutionized Update and as head writer led the charge to give women a more distinct voice on the show. Was never in sketches, but could do impressions, i.e. the wonderful Sarah Palin that made her career.
11. Amy Poehler
Poehler could do it all. Had great delivery but was also a brilliant physical comedian. Had several good recurring characters and was great on Update. An SNL all-star.
10. Chevy Chase
Only on the show for just short of 2 seasons, but basically set the tone of the show. A brilliant physical comedian. His smug delivery of the news has been copied over and over. He was also in several sketches during the first season. It's no wonder he burnt out.
9. John Belushi
Most nights was coked out of his mind, but was still gifted in numerous ways: physicality, timing, and presence. Without Belushi, the show would look much different than it does today.
8. Bill Hader
A legend. Brilliant writer and sketch performer. But was also arguable the greatest impressionist in the show's 40 year history. Also had the greatest facial expressions on the show.
7. Gilda Radner
Fearless and versatile. Could play cute, silly, deadpan, or whatever the need was. Just a lovely personality that the camera loved.
6. Kristen Wiig
If not for a couple recurring characters that were run into the ground (looking at you Gilly and Target Lady,) she may have cracked the top five. The first female to truly carry the show, she was a comedic genius at creating characters, impressions, and taking sketches into bizarre territory. Sure, she was overused, but that's only because she was clearly talented and could make a simple idea very funny.
5. Dan Aykroyd
Brilliant. Brand of comedy was made for the show.
4. Chris Farley
I question any list that doesn't have Chris Farley in the top ten. I understand criticizing the era of SNL he was on. There was a lot of low-brow humor and Farley participated in that. He relied heavily on his weight, so to speak. But most of sketches were not low brow or about him dancing in a Chippendale's suit, they were just really funny and consumed by his boundless energy. If Farley didn't make you laugh, what is wrong with you?
3. Eddie Murphy
Several people claim Eddie Murphy saved SNL. He did. 80-81 was the worst season the show has ever seen and it would have rightfully been cancelled had Eddie Murphy not emerged and created his own fame. He belongs on the Rushmore of sketch comedy.
2. Bill Murray
Murray just has the right kind of personality for SNL. He could save any sketch, and virtually every character he had was a hit. No one truly understood his comedic aptitude until after he was gone, but looking back it should be readily apparent.
1. Will Ferrell
Again, you could look at any SNL castmember and say they were overused or ran a character into the ground. Did Ferrell do that? Absolutely. But the list of impressions and recurring characters that reached mainstream knowledge is astounding. That doesn't even take into consideration the multiple ways Ferrell could get a laugh in a sketch. It could be a facial expression, a bizarre line, or a physical stunt, all of which he was the best of his craft at.

Honorable Mention: Ana Gastayer, Cecily Strong, Andy Samberg

5 Fictional Seinfeld Movies That Could Be Summer Blockbusters

One of my favorite aspects of Seinfeld is the deep reservoir of fictional movies throughout the show's 9 seasons. Some of these, I admit, sound atrocious. But isn't that one of the hallmarks of a summer blockbuster? If you give me the synopsis from each of the following movies from Seinfeld and an unlimited budget, I'm confident I could earn a profit. Here are five I would make:


1.Flaming Globes of Sigmund
What we know about it:  It is a sci-fi film Jerry falls asleep to.. Larry David plays a maniacal space man who exclaims that the planets of solar system are on fire, just as Sigmund prophesized. We do not know who this Sigmund character is.

Like flaming globes, Sigmund! Like flaming globes!

How I'd make it: The plot would include a maniac terrorist in the year 2450. He has discovered technology that will ignite the atmospheres of all of the planets unless he is paid a hefty sum. He believes he is fulfilling the prophetic writings of an ancient prophet, Sigmund. Michael Shannon stars as the terrorist and---wait for it--Morgan Freeman as the stoic leader of the UN. The terrorist is successful  in incinerating Mercury and Venus, but runs into trouble when a clever scientist looking for redemption (Jeff Goldblum) foils his plan by diverting the terrorist's machine into the sun.


2. Sack Lunch
What we know about it: We know that Elaine would prefer to see it over The English Patient, because it looks fun and you don't have to think. We also know that there is ridiculous movie poster (below) that insinuates that a family is either shrunken to fit inside a sack lunch, or they are a normal-sized family in a large paper sack.

"Don't you wanna know how they got in there?"

How I'd make it: I feel as though the sack lunch on the poster is metaphorical, not literal. This would be a "family" "comedy" about a family who's lost the ability to communicate (damn cell phones!) Dad (Kevin James) and Mom (Jennifer Aniston) take their children on a sack lunch picnic into the wilderness to reconnect with one another. Though their children initially hate the idea (No cell phone reception!)( Lame!), they experience a problem (lost in the wilderness!) and come together as a family to get home.


3.Cry, Cry Again
What we know about it: A movie Jerry was forced to bootleg, it is described only as "artsy." We also know that it was set in Paris and that one scene involving the main character buying a loaf of bread actually symbolizes him buying back a loaf of his soul. Also, the movie ends with a mysterious woman dancing alone.

"You cry, then you see the dancing, and you cry again."

How I'd make it: This would be a film worthy of Oscar nominations, but would not have a discernible plot. A man (Adrian Brody) would roam the streets of Paris in a suicidal stupor after losing his job. He meets strangers along the way that bring him out of it, but he is haunted by visions of a mysterious dancing woman (Selma Hayek)


4. Mountain High
What we know about it:  "There's no higher place than Mountain High" is the tagline to this film that Kramer previews during his stint as a Movie Phone operator.We only have one line of dialogue to work with:("You've got to get me over that mountain!" *Screaming) We also know that it stars Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon.

How I'd make it: A recently divorced father (Kevin Bacon) decides to take a skiing trip to Aspen, where he happens upon a conveniently single and saucy redhead (Susan Sarandon.) The two hit it off on the slopes until a jealous, jilted lover (Gregory Kinnear) from the woman's past shows up for revenge.


5. Chunnel
What we know about it: The tagline is "32 miles of hell" and it involves the president's daughter being kidnapped and possibly used as ransom. We also know there is an explosion that prompts one on-looker to exclaim, "Everybody out of Chunnel!"

How I'd make it: This would be the blockbuster action/psychological thriller of the summer. George Clooney would play the cerebral, low-approval president who must regrettably make a deal with Austrian narco-terrorist Christoph Waltz, who has kidnapped his sassy daughter (Jennifer Lawrence.) Oh, and the terrorist is also threatening to blow up the Chunnel, which requires the president to work in concert with the prime minister, Benedict Cumberbatch.

The Dusty Dream Line-Up

I love the Cincinnati Reds. There are some people in the organization that annoy me, namely the manager: Dusty Baker. I'm sure he is a nice person and advocates for his players, but his adherence to infinitely-disproved baseball "rules" is infuriating. For instance, he was once quoted as saying on base percentage (OBP) wasn't an important statistic because he didn't want to "clog the bases." I'm fairly certain the object of the game is to score runs, and having men on base is the best way to facilitate that, but what do I know?

Over the years, Baker has lobbied to bring terrible, terrible baseball players to Cincinnati all because they fit the description of a "veterany" teammate who was once decent. Baker hates rookies, which is unfortunate since Cincinnati has been loaded with prospects the last few years.

The most smug anyone has ever looked with a toothpick in their mouth.

Without further ado, I have compiled the "Dusty Dream Line-Up," a collection of players that Dusty (and Dusty only) has mysteriously salivated over during his managerial career. These are men that no one else wanted. But Dusty had a "gut feeling" about them. And when Dusty has a "gut feeling," logic goes out the window:

1. CF- Willy Taveras
Your leadoff hitter is Willy Taveras. His career OBP is a somewhat-respectable .320. He had a season in which he stole 68 bases. He also had a batting average of .320 (in 90 games) and .291 (in 152 games) with another somewhat-respectable .274 career batting average.
Now let's talk about why he was terrible. Most of his career numbers are heavily inflated by playing in spacious Coors Field in Denver. He never scored more than 82 runs, which is a function of his inability to get on base. His only season in Cincinnati was a disaster. But there were numerous warning signs that he should have never been the lead-off centerfielder. Baker would have none of it, insisting on penciling in Taveras for 1/2 the season while the Reds fell out of playoff contention. The season before in Colorado, he hit .251 with a obp barely above .300, and a .296 slugging % in COORS FIELD.

2. SS- Rey Ordonez (Honorable mention: Cesar Izturis, Neifi Perez, Orlando Cabrera, Edgar Renteria)
Never mind that he has a career OBP of .289 with neglible speed. Never mind that he struck out in 1/3 of his major league at-bats. He is the shortstop and EVERYONE KNOWS THE SHORTSTOP HAS TO BAT SECOND, according to Dusty-logic. Ordonez was a Dusty pet-project on the 2004 Cubs. Dusty HAS to have a weak-hitting middle infielder that gets far too much playing time on all of his rosters. It's a rule.

3. RF- Corey Patterson

Dusty LOVES Corey Patterson. It is unclear why. Patterson had one decent season in 2004, and Dusty never forgot. Dusty started Patterson again in 2005 and got a .215 BA with a .254 OBP. This would be enough to fall out of favor with most managers. In Dusty's first season in Cincinnati, he recruited Patterson hard to start in center. He hit a paltry .208 with a .588 OPS out of the leadoff spot. 2008 was a bad year.

4. 1B- Randall Simon
It's hard for me to speak ill of Simon, but only because of this

5. 3B- Jerry Hairston Jr.
For what it's worth, I've always thought JHJ was a good player to have in a pinch-hit situation. He had pop but wasn't exactly someone you wanted to see starting a game. Unless you're Dusty Baker. Baker would have started Hairston every game if it were socially acceptable. Hairston is another player that Dusty managed in Chicago and eventually brought to Cincinnati.

6. LF- Juan Pierre
To a batting average disciple like Dusty Baker, Juan Pierre is the holy grail. A career .295 hitter, he has always been a player Dusty has attempted to go after. The problem with Pierre, though, is that he is only good for singles and stolen bases. He did have one season with an OPS north of .780, but I guarantee you that Dusty didn't know that.

7. 2B- Wilson Valdez
 Good God this is a terrible baseball player. His 2012 season with the Reds was one of the most useless baseball seasons in history. Dusty doggedly brought him on the roster after a miserable spring, and continued to use him out of necessity when Cozart went down. Valdez couldn't hit anything. Couldn't lay down a bunt. You name it. His final line in 77 games: .206 avg, 0 HR, 15 RBI, .236 OBP, .463 OPS

8. C- Paul Bako

I'm sure he's a nice guy. And an admirable backup. But there is no reason he should've been a starting catcher in the big leagues. But Dusty used him as such in '08. Bako played for Dusty in Chicago and Cincinnati, but was only a .231 career hitter. Even though he is arguably twice as good a hitter as Valdez, he finds himself in the 8 spot. Another Dusty rule is that the catcher can never bat higher than 8th. Baker would have bat Johnny Bench 8th.

9. P- Mark Prior- Throws 187 pitches in the game.