5 Fictional Seinfeld Movies That Could Be Summer Blockbusters

One of my favorite aspects of Seinfeld is the deep reservoir of fictional movies throughout the show's 9 seasons. Some of these, I admit, sound atrocious. But isn't that one of the hallmarks of a summer blockbuster? If you give me the synopsis from each of the following movies from Seinfeld and an unlimited budget, I'm confident I could earn a profit. Here are five I would make:


1.Flaming Globes of Sigmund
What we know about it:  It is a sci-fi film Jerry falls asleep to.. Larry David plays a maniacal space man who exclaims that the planets of solar system are on fire, just as Sigmund prophesized. We do not know who this Sigmund character is.

Like flaming globes, Sigmund! Like flaming globes!

How I'd make it: The plot would include a maniac terrorist in the year 2450. He has discovered technology that will ignite the atmospheres of all of the planets unless he is paid a hefty sum. He believes he is fulfilling the prophetic writings of an ancient prophet, Sigmund. Michael Shannon stars as the terrorist and---wait for it--Morgan Freeman as the stoic leader of the UN. The terrorist is successful  in incinerating Mercury and Venus, but runs into trouble when a clever scientist looking for redemption (Jeff Goldblum) foils his plan by diverting the terrorist's machine into the sun.


2. Sack Lunch
What we know about it: We know that Elaine would prefer to see it over The English Patient, because it looks fun and you don't have to think. We also know that there is ridiculous movie poster (below) that insinuates that a family is either shrunken to fit inside a sack lunch, or they are a normal-sized family in a large paper sack.

"Don't you wanna know how they got in there?"

How I'd make it: I feel as though the sack lunch on the poster is metaphorical, not literal. This would be a "family" "comedy" about a family who's lost the ability to communicate (damn cell phones!) Dad (Kevin James) and Mom (Jennifer Aniston) take their children on a sack lunch picnic into the wilderness to reconnect with one another. Though their children initially hate the idea (No cell phone reception!)( Lame!), they experience a problem (lost in the wilderness!) and come together as a family to get home.


3.Cry, Cry Again
What we know about it: A movie Jerry was forced to bootleg, it is described only as "artsy." We also know that it was set in Paris and that one scene involving the main character buying a loaf of bread actually symbolizes him buying back a loaf of his soul. Also, the movie ends with a mysterious woman dancing alone.

"You cry, then you see the dancing, and you cry again."

How I'd make it: This would be a film worthy of Oscar nominations, but would not have a discernible plot. A man (Adrian Brody) would roam the streets of Paris in a suicidal stupor after losing his job. He meets strangers along the way that bring him out of it, but he is haunted by visions of a mysterious dancing woman (Selma Hayek)


4. Mountain High
What we know about it:  "There's no higher place than Mountain High" is the tagline to this film that Kramer previews during his stint as a Movie Phone operator.We only have one line of dialogue to work with:("You've got to get me over that mountain!" *Screaming) We also know that it stars Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon.

How I'd make it: A recently divorced father (Kevin Bacon) decides to take a skiing trip to Aspen, where he happens upon a conveniently single and saucy redhead (Susan Sarandon.) The two hit it off on the slopes until a jealous, jilted lover (Gregory Kinnear) from the woman's past shows up for revenge.


5. Chunnel
What we know about it: The tagline is "32 miles of hell" and it involves the president's daughter being kidnapped and possibly used as ransom. We also know there is an explosion that prompts one on-looker to exclaim, "Everybody out of Chunnel!"

How I'd make it: This would be the blockbuster action/psychological thriller of the summer. George Clooney would play the cerebral, low-approval president who must regrettably make a deal with Austrian narco-terrorist Christoph Waltz, who has kidnapped his sassy daughter (Jennifer Lawrence.) Oh, and the terrorist is also threatening to blow up the Chunnel, which requires the president to work in concert with the prime minister, Benedict Cumberbatch.