I've heard lots of people tell me I have "no idea" what I'm doing when it comes to fatherhood. Look, not true, ok? Ok? Nobody knows more about fatherhood than I do. Nobody. Who knows more than me? I have a father. A great father, by the way. Taught me a lot. I even have a step father. Not a lot of people have those, ok? So I know what I'm doing.
I've read books. Large books about parenting. Small books. Every kind of book you can think of. I've even read books you haven't thought of. I've listened to a tremendous number of podcasts. Very, very good podcasts. That I can tell you.
I've taken expensive classes about how to parent. Probably more expensive than what other dads have done. I've learned a tremendous amount during those very interesting classes. Those classes were about every topic I need to know, believe me.
I've personally hired a doula, ok? So I've created a job and a child in the span of nine months. I'm told that this is a great accomplishment. I don't say this in a braggadocious way. Just stating a fact.
I'll be a very great father. I have lots and lots of ideas. There are some very good fathers out there but a lot of weak fathers, too. Fathers don't win anymore, have you noticed this? Kids get whatever they want. Dads don't know how to make deals anymore. They get totally hosed by their kids. That won't happen with me, that I can tell you. We're going to have a fence in the backyard, and the kid is going to build it. Work ethic. Boundaries.
Seriously who will be a better father than me?
Danny Tanner? Can't tolerate germs. Had to bring in a comedian and a musician to raise his kids. Sad!
Ward Cleaver? Weak on discipline. His kid is always getting in trouble. Also named his youngest after a small woodland creature. Might be child abuse--My people are looking into it.
Atticus Finch? Loser attorney whose kids don't even call him Dad! Wouldn't happen with me, I promise you that. Very low energy dad.
So I will be great. Fatherhood needs to be great again, and that's what I will do. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Panic Attack #1: This is happening
Current Emotions: Pumped, panicked
As we roll into month number 9, things are starting to get real. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't woken up in a cold sweat about the responsibility we're undertaking. "What makes me think I'm worthy of being responsible for feeding, clothing, and raising a small human being?" " What were we thinking?" "What if I'm terrible at parenting and am prosecuted and thrown in prison?" "What if the kid turns into an asshole?" Please tell me these are normal thoughts.
We've had two awesome baby showers over the past month, and now things are really really real. We have some semblance of a nursery coming together. We baby clothes scattered throughout the house. There is an empty pack n' play next to our bed. It's very strange to consider that soon a human baby will occupy the space.
I'm trying to go into this not being naive as to how much my life is going to change. I'm trying to savor my last child-free month, but also trying to break old habits that will make life with a newborn next to impossible. For example, Chelsea tells me I can no longer leave nails and loose Excedrin laying around the house. I can no longer roll out of bed 10 minutes before I have to leave. Right now I can (and do) basically sleep as late as I want, sit out on the patio and drink a beer, binge on Netflix, sit down when I eat, take a 40 minute shower, travel, read, watch sports, go to sporting events, go out with friends, etc. Make no mistake, I'm excited as hell to be a parent and can't wait to experience life with the baby. But I'd be lying if I said I'm going to miss being able to do all those things when I want.
So with a small Benham arriving within the next month (or less) (or more), here is what I'm trying to accomplish:
-Finish nursery. If they say "nesting" only affects women, then what explains my very real desire to have every detail of the nursery done with time to spare? We still need to put together a changing table, hang things on wall, get bookshelf, clean, etc. (ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod)
-Get caught up on every television show I haven't finished: Better Call Saul, Love, House of Cards, The People vs OJ Simpson, Baskets, Fargo, Togetherness, Vinyl, Louie, The Walking Dead, Silicon Valley
-Develop parenting philosophy
-Figure out how to deal with a newborn
-Read every Mister Rogers parenting book
-Watch sports guilt-free. Lots of basketball coming up in the next few weeks, lots of baseball too.
-De-clutter basement- This is an unexplainable nesting thing.
Any other tips from the parenting force?
As we roll into month number 9, things are starting to get real. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't woken up in a cold sweat about the responsibility we're undertaking. "What makes me think I'm worthy of being responsible for feeding, clothing, and raising a small human being?" " What were we thinking?" "What if I'm terrible at parenting and am prosecuted and thrown in prison?" "What if the kid turns into an asshole?" Please tell me these are normal thoughts.
We've had two awesome baby showers over the past month, and now things are really really real. We have some semblance of a nursery coming together. We baby clothes scattered throughout the house. There is an empty pack n' play next to our bed. It's very strange to consider that soon a human baby will occupy the space.
I'm trying to go into this not being naive as to how much my life is going to change. I'm trying to savor my last child-free month, but also trying to break old habits that will make life with a newborn next to impossible. For example, Chelsea tells me I can no longer leave nails and loose Excedrin laying around the house. I can no longer roll out of bed 10 minutes before I have to leave. Right now I can (and do) basically sleep as late as I want, sit out on the patio and drink a beer, binge on Netflix, sit down when I eat, take a 40 minute shower, travel, read, watch sports, go to sporting events, go out with friends, etc. Make no mistake, I'm excited as hell to be a parent and can't wait to experience life with the baby. But I'd be lying if I said I'm going to miss being able to do all those things when I want.
So with a small Benham arriving within the next month (or less) (or more), here is what I'm trying to accomplish:
-Finish nursery. If they say "nesting" only affects women, then what explains my very real desire to have every detail of the nursery done with time to spare? We still need to put together a changing table, hang things on wall, get bookshelf, clean, etc. (ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod)
-Get caught up on every television show I haven't finished: Better Call Saul, Love, House of Cards, The People vs OJ Simpson, Baskets, Fargo, Togetherness, Vinyl, Louie, The Walking Dead, Silicon Valley
-Develop parenting philosophy
-Figure out how to deal with a newborn
-Read every Mister Rogers parenting book
-Watch sports guilt-free. Lots of basketball coming up in the next few weeks, lots of baseball too.
-De-clutter basement- This is an unexplainable nesting thing.
Any other tips from the parenting force?
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